]| It's__ 8:41pm
]| Currently Feeling__  quickie
]| Days 'til Christmas__ 24

okay okay okay. so first semester here at sjsu, went by sooper fast.. finals are still on the way... as for the second semester, here is my schedule:

Monday
       Philosophy 61 (Moral Issues) _12:00pm-1:15pm
       English 1B (Critical Analysis) _1:30pm-2:45pm
Tuesday
       Asian American Studies 33B (History/Political) _10:30am-11:45am
       Nutrition of food and Science _1:00pm-3:45pm
Wednesday
       Philosophy 61 (Moral Issues)_12:00pm-1:15pm
       English 1B (Critical Analysis)_1:30pm-2:45pm
Thursday
       Asian American Studies 33B (History/Political) _10:30am-11:45am
       Biology 21 (Emphasizes Human Anatomy) _12:00pm-1:50pm
Friday
       Resident Advisor Prep Course _TBA

in total, 18 units... it's really 15 units, but since i've been accepted into the Resident Advisor program (to be an R.A. for the dorms next year) it'll rack on an extra 3 units...oh hey.. ryan lee is bustin' out leadership positions for a second year in college.... tehehe.... i'm real excited though, my classes look like it's going to be fun...

philosophy on moral issues...race, gender, sexuality, abortion, euthanasia, etc
English... shoot..........iono?
Asian American studies...finally, asians COME to america, DAMN 33A!!!
Food and Nutrition..ever heard of that show by elton brown on the food network, good eats? yeah its like that!!
Biology... we'll get to touch dead bodies... tehehehe
R.A. class...learn how to deal with all sorts of issues and stuff that come up in the dorms... sounds like fun.. maybe for my children who are seniors now at westmoor that go to sjsu.. maybe i'll be your r.a.... sounds like a plan??

k thats all. haha

-rY

]| It's__ 10:33pm
]| Currently Feeling__  quickie
]| Days 'til Christmas__ 25

finals are coming. i'm terrified.  I dont see how i can remember all the information from this year... similiar to high school.. but add in hundreds of pages of reading, reviewing... i know i'll get through it... hopefully i get a 3.0 or higher. honestly santa, that's all i want this christmas... never been so scared for finals and my final grades......

"...if i had one wish...we'd get good grades" LOL

on a lighter note, i'm going to start dancing with ak modern.. (akbayan through sjsu ) haha...been recruited, hahaha!!!!

ar ar ar ar ar ar ar ar ar.

-rY

]| It's__ 10:33pm
]| Currently Feeling__  quickie.

OhmightyMark (10:30:23 PM): did you gain your 15lbs yet?
S P  5I2K5  E Z (10:30:26 PM): no thank god
S P  5I2K5  E Z (10:30:29 PM): dancing keeps me in check
S P  5I2K5  E Z (10:30:30 PM): haha
OhmightyMark (10:31:10 PM): ok good....cuz wen me, ster, and francee went to haight this one time...there was this guy that looked like you but 15lbs heavier
S P  5I2K5  E Z (10:31:17 PM): ew bitch
S P  5I2K5  E Z (10:31:18 PM): hahaha
OhmightyMark (10:31:51 PM): i was like...Dang, i didnt noe ryan can pack it in like that!
OhmightyMark (10:32:10 PM): ....if you noe what i mean....wink-wink**
S P  5I2K5  E Z (10:32:13 PM): hahahahaha
S P  5I2K5  E Z (10:32:15 PM): oh hell no
S P  5I2K5  E Z (10:32:30 PM): xanga moment bitch. hold
OhmightyMark (10:33:34 PM): scarffin down too many Oscar Meyer's weiners...huh...huh..huh???
S P  5I2K5  E Z (10:33:45 PM): actually no, its subway. bitch
S P  5I2K5  E Z (10:33:46 PM): hha

what a bitch. haha kbye

-rY

]| It's__ 1:05am
]| Currently Feeling__  sick

after drinking hella much last night... while trying to sober up at work today... hella shit has been going through my head.... personal obligations...work... school...

friends always ask me how college is going for me... and either way, end up associating college with drinking, and getting fucked up every week...

question is.. do i take myself too seriously?

maybe i'm just complaing like a little bitch that i tend to be sometimes.. i dont know... sitting outside in front of joes apartment... typing this entry.. s-o-b-e-r, still sick from last night... stomach turning, head flippin' out... i dont know... i do want to party... i do want to get fucked up [occasionally], but i just have too much shit to deal with right now..

school. has always been my number one priority.. always... so why is it that i'm slacking off now? my freshmen year in college... i feel i'm already slipping... i dont want to depart from any of my extra cirricular activities.. such as dancing.. work... whatever it is... i-just-dont-know... i hella dont like how i'm acting right now.. i feel like... college is so impacted with other stuff that i can't concentrate on anything but everything not related to school... iono, kinda saddens me.. to think that for the first time every in my life.. i'm not confident with school. i'm trying not to cry, but it provides temporary relief.. but then i just end up back in the same situation i was before i cried...

work is really taking a lot out of me... really.. because of work... theres 30 less hours in the week.. sure, the pay is good, but money is only worth so much all the time... maybe those 30 hours could be used towards studying..weeknights, instead of coming home at like what, 10? 11? from work... tired as hell for school the next morning, barely keeping my eyes open...i could just be relaxing and doing my homework..studying.... is that possible?... no. i wish it were all that simple... i do need to pay for things... work gets in the way of school, i won't lie... but i have to do it... i can't afford not to...i'm trying not to cry, but it provides temporary relief.. but then i just end up back in the same situation i was before i cried...

so now it comes to the personal things in my life...i dont enjoy that fact that, unforseen reasons can mess up relationships... things that have nothing to do with me.. can just.. make me stress... not school related, not work related, nothing. just my own life.. the people around me, the ones i love....i feel like, i have no personal life anymore.... all these others things telling me what i can and cannot do... telling me who i can and cannot be with... who i should and should not love... what the hell is that all about?  i dont know... my parents dont even know this but i'm struggling...... mom... dad.. i'm fucking struggling... i fucking hate it... i would just copy and paste that one sentence thats bold in the prior 2 paragraphs... but why?... should i just lie for the 3rd time and say that i'm not crying already?.. i fucking hate this feeling.. it's not even the alcohol. no lie. its just me. just me

the past what, 2 months, i never grew the balls to tell my parents that i'm struggling in college... yeah, academically just a little, but more on the lines of my own emotions... i wish that i could just be a little kid again... when something is wrong.. and i cry.. i just run into my parents arms again.. and their comfort would make it all better... no.. i can't.. i'm fucking 18 years old.. and i can't even handle my own shit...i hate this so much.. i hate crying... cause it just takes me back to where i started from.... feeling alone...

who would of thought, of all people, me, to feel alone. trapped in my own world... i feel like my particular situation, which i will remain silent on... no one can help me with...only 3 people know..it's so hard to sit here and think about what needs to be done... how much its going to affect me... another person.. i dont know.. everytime i think about it... it just hurts more and more and the only way to stop my worrying is to stop being a bitch and just suck it up and do it.. right chanel? suck up my shit and do it...

chanel, i read your xanga entry over and over and over because mark told me it's very inspirational.. he's right... brings me to another subject....you know, you 5 aren't near me anymore.. and i fucking hate it...whatever happen to all those times we spent.. the 6 of us.. yes, the 6. we're friends. the friends. i dont know... i can't just go to you guys n get comfort that easiliy anymore... sure, what, 40 miles away... not bad right? wrong.. its horrible... sure, i'm in the city twice a week for practice only, thats it... i dont even know what im bitching about anymore.. bottom line... i fucking miss everyone...

i fucking miss my friends... my family.. my dog...high school, when shit was so easy to handle...how, everything could just be easily fixed like that... i hate thinking to myself that i can't handle my shit.. i sound like a fucking broken record right? am i right or am i right? who says that to me? yeah... i'm still thinking about you...

what the fuck ...it's taking me hours to write this entry, every 5 seconds i got to swip my tears away from my eyes.... i dont know what else to say.... i feel like all my bitching and moaning could go on forever....

my stomach is spinning now... i think i'm going to throw up right now.. just out of feeling sick, not drinking tonight...

-i dont need to be separate from my muffin, but its not my choice-

i know my parents aren't going to read this, but i still want to thank you for taking care of me... providing that love and support you had to offer... the feeling of happiness and security, even through our problematic stages in our lives... no matter how many times i've said to myself "i hate you".. i dont. and i do apologize... what i hated at the time, was how you called me out on something, punished me and expected me to learn from it.... yet...i still say...

thanks

i love everyone who's had an impact on my life... big or small... i'll write back in a few days, to give myself a check up on my feelings.

-rY